Weigh On My Mind
by WP
Summary: A continuation of 'Wrecked' T/W
1. Default Chapter

A/N: It's set right after wrecked, another T/W. I'll have the next part up as soon as I can. Let me know what you think.   
Weigh On My Mind  
Part 1  
Tara Maclay ran up the path to the summers house and rattled on the door, not caring if she woke up the whole of Sunnydale.   
  
Finally the slayer opened the door, "Tara, what-?"   
  
"Where is she?" Tara asked as she walked through the door into the hall. "Is she ok?"  
  
"She's safe." Buffy answered then herded a tense witch into the living room where she paced. "Tara, what's going on?"  
  
Tara paused to look at her for only seconds, "I felt it, the pain. Willow's pain. I can still feel it, she's being ripped apart inside. What the hell happened?"   
  
Buffy had never felt so intimidated by sweet, sensitive Tara. "Willow went off the deep end and went to see some guy called Rack and then almost killed herself and Dawn."  
  
Tara stopped dead, "Dawn's ok though?"   
  
Buffy sighed, she didn't want to answer that question. "Her arm is fractured and right now she's knocked out by pain killers." She cringed at the bitterness in her voice.  
  
Tara put her hand to her forehead more on instinct as she swallowed back the lump in her throat. Dawnie was hurt and it was Willow's fault from what she could gather. Soon she felt a hand on her back and looked to see a sympathetic pair of eyes.   
  
"You ok?" The slayer asked gently.  
  
Tara's facade of focus and stability crumbled, "This is all my fault." She said quietly.  
  
Buffy didn't even try to hide her shock, "What? No, no it's not. This is... it's bad but it's not your fault."   
  
Tara shook her head, "I left her. I left her with no where else to turn. Why am I so stupid? Now Dawnie's hurt."   
  
"Willow had choice's. And she screwed up. She knows that. This will take a long time for her and Dawn to get over and blaming yourself won't help."  
  
"Buffy, what am I going to do? I... She won't even want me here but I need to make this better, her better. The magick tore her up inside and now she's just... lost." This time the tears made there way out.  
  
Buffy led Tara to the sofa and put a comforting arm around her. "Willow wants you here, trust me, Tara, she loves you more than anything. The fact you can feel what she's going through shows that you two are as connected as ever. Help her find her way back."   
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes, each processing their conversation until Tara felt enouh confidence to turn and hug Buffy, "thank you, I'm going to go talk to her."   
  
Buffy smiled and returned the hug, if anyone could make this mess right it was Tara. "Help her see her way back."  
  
Tara nodded and dashed up stairs. She slowed down as she passed Dawn's room and considered whether or not to go in. She decided against it, seeing Willow was ok was top of the list.  
  
She gently pushed open their bedroom door, it was always their bedroom, always would be.   
  
As she peeked in she saw a very messy and tangled bed but no Willow. 


	2. Part 2

AN: Now now Borg. You sound very bitter I have to say. Oh and your right, everyone be woarned - I suck at spelling and grammar. its not so bad you can't read it but picky things like commas.   
Borg, it was quite obviously stated that this was a continuation or au whatever and that it was about last season, if you don't like that, why in the hell did you read and review? Thanks to everyone else who actually reads things for enjoyment and not anger.  
  
Part 2  
Looking around she was no where to be seen, Tara immediately paniced and turned around, intent on going downstairs to tell Buffy then she noticed the bathroom door was ajar.   
  
She listened carefully for the first time and heard a weak cry. She knew straight away it was her soulmate.   
  
Willow was hunched over the toilet bowl, breathing raggedely. Tara stood shocked for a moment then snapped herself out of it.  
  
She had a hurting and vulnerable woman to look after.   
  
Tara grabbed the wash cloth and ran it under the cold water then kneeled down behind Willow and eased her back against her body. It felt so right to feel Willow's body leaning into her own.  
  
She was worried about the semi conscious state of the red head.   
  
Tara tucked Willow's hair nehind her ears and uses the wash cloth to clean her up. Willow was soaked through with sweat, she noted.   
  
Finally, Willow groaned and showed some sign of life.  
  
"Willow, can you stand up?" Tara asked.  
  
Again she only got a groan as a response so she stayed there with Willow leaning into her and gently rocked her.   
  
Willow had taken a while to realise what was going on. Her head was jumpled, her body was trembling, screaming for the rush of magic.   
  
But all of that was pushed to the side when sh felt the protetive arms of Tara wrapped around her. She couldn't help wanting to fake it and just lie in. that embrace for hours.   
  
The more her mind cleared the more uncomfotable and nervous she felt. Tara wasn't her's anymore, and that hurt more than any magick enduced pain.  
  
Wiloow suddenly tried tomclimb to her feet but was till to weak and glad to feel Tara slip her arm around her waist and steady her as she leaned against the bathroom counter.   
  
"I need to brush my teeth." The red head said hoarsely.   
  
Tara nodded and kept a tight grip on the shakey Willow. She was glad Willow hadn't questioned her yet, she wasn't sure she had the answers.   
  
Tara had eventually led Willow back to her room. She had sat her down on the messy bed and collected a clean pair of PJ's and handed them to Willow, silently she turned and looked out of the window.   
  
Willow didn't know whether to be hurt or relieved. She loved Tara with all her heart but having her there, cleaning her up in what could be her worst moment, made her feel ashamed.   
  
By the time Willow had peeled off her clothes and put on new ones she was breathing heavily, starting to feel her insides crumbling again.   
  
Tara spun round when she felt a sudden grasp in the pit of her stomach.   
  
She noticed the concentration on Willow's face, trying to beat off the pain but she could also see the weaknesses shinning through. The sweat gatherering from her forehead, the skaing, the eyes squeezed shut, the squirming in position.  
  
"Lay down." Tara ordered sympathetically as she approached the bed and helped Willow lie down. "Do you need anything?"   
  
"Leave." She said shortly, causing herself to almost gasp.   
  
"N-no." Tara stuttered.  
  
Willow drew in a breath, "Just leave. I don't want you here."  
  
Why did she have to be so cold.  
  
Tara stared at her silently for some time before saying. I don't care if you want me here. I need to be here."  
  
Willow finally turned her head to look at Tara. "Why do you need to be here? I don't want you to see me like this. You'll never love me again after the disgust you've seen tonight." She blurted out as tears streamed down her face and into her hair.  
  
Tara wanted to give in to her emotions. To cry with Willow in her arms but it wasn't so simple. Willow had violated and lied to her.   
  
"I-I Can't not be here. I won't leave you alone in this, Willow, because I know what you're going through."  
  
Willow shook her head, tears still flowing, "you have no idea what I'm going through."  
  
Tara sat on the edge of the bed and fixed her gaze on her hands. "I can feel exactly what your going through." She admitted quietly.  
  
Willow's face showed the sheer shock she felt but that quickly crumbled as realization sunk in. She covered her face with her hands and whispered, "No. Oh god, no." Then sobs of guilt wracked her small frame. 


	3. Part 3

Yes please to feedback.   
Part 3  
Tara's heart broke. She still couldn't force herself to just take Willow in her arms, so she reached out a shaky hand to carefully pry Willow's hands from her face. It wasn't hard since Willow was so weak.   
  
Tara was still aware of Willow's pain, it hadn't decreased any.   
  
Willow's face was pale and blotchy when Tara took her hands away. She didn't realize as she kept a hold of the red heads hands. "Will..." She started.  
  
"I'm sorry, god I'm so sorry." Willow cried, cutting the blonde off. "I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't mean to let it get this far. I don't want you to feel this. Tara, you have to go, you have to leave and forget me, break the connection. I can't let you feel this, I could make it stop."  
  
"No!" Tara shouted, stopping Willow's rant that was about to get too dark. "Listen to me, I'm not m-mad. I'm not going to leave this room while you still feel how you do. I... I've walked out on you already and I only added to the stress."   
  
Tara paused and surprised herself by reaching out and tucking Willow's hair behind her ear. "Feeling what your going through, showed me the connection is still there and I could never get rid of it. Your a part of me like I'm a part of you."  
  
"The sensible part." Willow said with a straight face but she had that little glint in her eye.  
  
Tara held her gaze, their eyes feeling like they were home.   
  
"I feel I should say that I wish there was some way to fix this or reverse the pain I've caused, but there is. There in lies the problem." Willow said as her eyes stayed on the white ceiling, still afraid of seeing disgust in her soul mates eyes.   
  
"You don't need magick to make things right. It will be hard. Especially with Dawn."   
  
Willow shifted awkwardly when reminded of little sister she never had. "Tara I was horrible to her and I hurt her. I don't know how to even begin to make things right with her."   
  
"You'll figure out someway. Dawn will be mad but she loves you, she'll forgive you."  
  
Willow painfully pushed herself up to lean on the head board. "I'll never forgive myself for any of this. For the last month I've done nothing but hurt the people I love."  
  
Tara placed her hand on top of Willow's. A silent comfort. "Will, everyone loves you and we all want to see you better, they'll all support you. Just make sure you let them." She warned.  
  
Willow nodded and let Tara's words sink in. "Will you be there to help me?" She questioned nervously.   
  
Tara stared at there touching hands and focussed on the connection to Willow. To her soul mate. "Yes. Every step of the way. But It will take time. Things can't just be the way they were, it wouldn't work. That's why this has to be stable and steady. I'll help you deal with magick and making things right and you can help me trust you again." Tara stopped herself when she realized she was babbling.   
  
Looking to Willow she noticed she was even paler, her eyes beyond bloodshot. Tara turned her focus to inside, the connection. Willow was exhausted. The magick withdrawal still raging through her. "Will, its time for you to get some rest." She said gently as she helped Willow lie back down.   
  
Willow groaned. She looked up at Tara with fearful eyes. "Are... Will you stay? I know you want to go slow but if you leave me alone, then they'll be here. Everywhere. And I won;t be able to fight them." She babbled with tears beginning to leak from her eyes again.   
  
Tara couldn't stop her eyes from welling too at Willow's admission. "I'll stay. I'll keep you safe." She promised.  
  
*************  
  
That night was one of the hardest Tara had ever went through.   
  
Willow had been restless to say the least. She'd sobbed endlessly and been delirious. Tara had been so scared she considered taking Willow to hospital.   
  
Unfortunately things wouldn't be that easy for the ex-witch.   
  
It was now noon and Willow stirred.  
  
"Tara?" She croaked as she tried to clear her vision to find the blonde.   
  
Tara moved from the window and sat on the bed. "Morning sleepy. How are you f-feeling?" She asked smiling down at Willow.  
  
"Like a junkie." Willow said seriously.  
  
Tara wasn't sure how ot respond. Should she joke? reassure Willow it'd all be ok? She had no idea.  
  
"Sorry." Willow said, making the pressure on Tara decrease.   
  
"Don't be." Tara cleared her throat. "Do you want anything? Some breakfast maybe?"   
  
Willow shook her head. " I couldn't keep it down."  
  
Tara nodded in understanding. She could still feel the churning in Willow's stomach.   
  
Tara turned to the door when it was knocked on gently.   
  
She walked over to the door and pulled it open to see Buffy.  
  
"How is she?" Buffy asked quietly.  
  
Tara automatically shrugged. "She's holding up. Come on in."   
  
Buffy walked in and looked over at Willow. She was pure white, had dark circles around her eyes and looked small and frail in the large bed.   
  
Willow tried to smile at Buffy but knew she was failing miserably.   
  
The slayer sat next to her best friend and stroked her hair. "Hey." She said tearfully.  
  
Willow's expression matched Buffy's. "How is Dawn?" She forced out.  
  
Buffy sighed, deciding to answer truthfully. "She's not exactly cheerful. Her wrist is hurting but she's content watching cartoons." The guilt in Willow's eyes were burning holes through Buffy. "Will, stop it. She's ok and you're getting better. That's all that matters now."  
  
Willow tried to swallow her emotions back. "It doesn't feel like anything will be ok." Willow told her sadly. 


	4. Part 4

A/N: Thanks Scream Fire.  
  
Part 4  
  
Meanwhile, Tara has quietly left the two friends to talk, she had someone else to check up on.  
  
She made her way downstairs to the sounds of Sponge Bob Square pants, one of Dawn's favorites.  
  
Dawn was curled up on the sofa, under her duvet. Probably orders of the overprotective Buffy.  
  
"Got room for one more?"  
  
Dawn looked up at Tara, startled. She wanted to run to Tara, tell her how awful it'd been, how out of control Willow was... and how much it was down to Tara leaving.  
  
"I guess." She answered as she kept her gaze straight ahead.  
  
Tara slipped under the covers and stared at the TV as well. "What's Bob been doing now?" She asked lightly.  
  
"I wasn't watching." Dawn shrugged.  
  
Tara just nodded. She hated taking this approach but she knew she had to let Dawn talk rather than talk at her, so she pretended to watch the TV.   
  
It didn't take long before Dawn broke out into a rant. "I almost died last night. I saw things I'll have nightmares about for weeks. All those people, hooked on magick. Willow... She was some other person. She called me stuff and... And when she was high, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to get her home, then I remembered there was no one there. Why did you have to leave? If you had stayed it would have been ok. Things would be better but you left, just like everyone else. Is it me? I know I'm annoying sometimes but... I... Why? Why did she do it?" Dawn had talked herself into a tearful state.  
  
Tara gently and carefully put an arm around Dawn and pulled her close. She waited patiently for Dawn to calm down somewhat before deciding to speak. "Dawnie? Do you trust me?"   
  
She continued when she felt Dawn nod. "Well, remember this: What has happened with Willow, me and anyone else who's left, is not because of you or who you are. It's other things, hard thing that are NOT your fault. Leaving was something I thought was best for us all at the time... I was wrong and I'm so sorry you went through what you did last night. But you know, no matter where I am or what'd happened, I will ALWAYS be there for you. I love you, Dawnie. Your family. We're all family around here."   
  
Dawn cuddled further into Tara's side, too choked up to say much.  
  
Tara stroked Dawn's hair, "It's going to take some time for WIllow to get over this. And you to. I know how much she's hurt you, just don't hold it against her too long. I know you Dawnie, you're not even mad at her but you need time to see she is finally herself again."   
  
Dawn shook her head, "I'm not angry at Willow, I'm angry at what's happened. I don't understand."  
  
"Understand what, sweetie?"  
  
"Why Willow would sabotage everything she had for... Magick." Dawn explained.   
  
Tara had to think carefully how she could explain this. She wasn't sure she quite understood herself. "You've felt like you wanted to be someone else before? Someone stronger?"  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
"Willow felt that to when she realised just how powerful she was. She just wanted to make sure she could protect all of us and it got out of control." Tara told her sadly.  
  
"Yet she only hurt us... And herself."   
  
Tara noted the lack of anger in Dawn's voice."She did, but she knows and she will earn back our trust."   
  
Dawn looked up at Tara with fear in her eyes, "Will she be ok?"  
  
Tara took the time to see just how young Dawn was. Her life was troubled enough without thinking Willow, a sister, wasn't going to be ok. "Oh, honey, Willow will get better. I know she will because she knows she has a problem and we are all going to be here to help her through."   
  
Dawn gave a small smile, "yeah we will."  
  
*******  
  
Tara approached Willow's bedroom as Buffy came out. They smiled briefly in way of greeting.   
  
"Hey, can we talk?"   
  
When the slayer saw the hesitation in Tara's eyes she added, "Will's asleep."   
  
Tara nodded and followed Buffy into her room. She was worried when buffy closed the door.   
  
What was so serious she felt the need for total privacy?  
  
"W-what's wrong?" She asked.   
  
Buffy sat crossed legged opposite the witch. "I just wanted to see how you were holding up."  
  
"Me?" she asked with surprise.  
  
Buffy felt bad that Tara thought no one would be looking out for her. "Yes you.  
  
Tara gave an embarrassed smile. "I'm fine."   
  
Buffy just looked at her, "Tara, I know you. Your being there for Willow, for Dawn and your being the strong one. That isn't easy, trust me, I know. And this must be killing you. I just wanted you to know I'm here for you if you need vent or just need a break."  
  
Tara was silent for a while, "I wish I could take it all away. How ironic is that?" She said sadly, not making eye contact.  
  
Buffy reached out and took Tara's hand, "You love her, it's only natural to want to stop her hurting."  
  
"Last night was so hard, Buffy. I almost did take it away. Then I almost took her to hospital, but there's no way to make it easier. It's inside of her, punishing her the whole time and I can feel it. I can see it in her eyes.God, why did this happen?!" Tara snapped, her despair turning into anger.   
  
Buffy wished she had an answer, it would make accepting the situation easier but she didn't understand why it happened. She sighed, "I don't know."   
  
Tara looked up at the slayer through her tear blurred eyes. "I couldn't even hold her last night. She was terrified and all I could do was sit there. I love her so much, why am I doing this to her?"  
  
"You're doing what's best for you both. Your being there for her, Tara, that's all she needs, things can't just be as they were."   
  
"I'm so scared." Tara admitted.   
  
Buffy squeezed her hand, "It'll be ok. She'll be ok. You will, Dawn will." Buffy changed to her super hero voice, usually reserved for the mocking of Xander. "We're all strong and together we're stronger."  
  
The witch couldn't help but give a small but real laugh.   
  
"Xander should be here soon. Willow's worried he'll be disappointed but I think seeing him might help. You know how close they are."  
  
Tara nodded and wiped her tears. "Yeah, she needs Xander around. I-I should get back in there."  
  
Buffy grabbed Tara before she made a run for the door. When Tara felt Buffy wrap her in a slayer strong hug she let go and relaxed. She felt safe for that short time and it gave her a refreshed feeling.   
  
"Remember what I said." buffy told her sternly.   
  
Tara gave her a grateful look and made her way back to Willow. 


	5. Part 5

AN: This is the last part. enjoy.  
  
Part 5  
  
Tara's first thought was Willow was still asleep but she could see the concentration on the red heads face.   
  
She was lying on her front, arms wrapped around her stomach. The pain was ripping her up again and she was trying to fight it off.   
  
Tara rushed towards Willow, sat down beside her and moved her messy hair from her face.  
  
"Will?" She asked softly, only recieving a weak cry.  
  
"Stop fighting it." She said soothingly.  
  
Tara knew her soulmate was using double the energy trying to fight the pain back.   
  
Willow gradually let go, trusting in Tara's instuction. Tears crept down her cheeks and she finally opened her eyes to look into the blue eyes of the woman she loved.   
  
The range of emotions Tara could see and feel in Willow broguht tears to her eyes. She stopped holding back  
  
She lay down next to Willow and carefully gathered the love of her life in her arms. She'd wanted so much to hold Willow last night ut she couldn't bring herself to do it.   
  
As a shocked but preoccupied Willow snuggled into the blondes side, she kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back in a calming motion. Just like she had after Buffy died.   
  
She held Willow every night, soothing her to sleep after she had cried herself out. She would put on a strong front during the day for Dawn, Xander, Giles even Anya and Spike, but at night she was Tara's and she was sensitive and grieving Willow. She ried every night until they brought her back, the grieving was never ending.  
  
It had killed Tara to see her girlfriend that way every night. She had considered using magick to ease Willow's suffering, only she didn't because her mom had brought her up to follow, respect and fear the wiccan rede. Willow hadn't been brought up around magick. She had discovered her immense power practically over night. She had taught herselfand she didn't know the protocol. In that moment Tara felt some clarity in her understanding.   
  
Tara loved this woman with all her heart and soul. It wasn't right or healthy for either of them to be apart. They belonged together like all soulmates.   
  
************  
  
Xander rushed into the summers house, followed by a sluggish anya. He stopped dead at the entrance to the living room. "Oh god, Dawn. Are you ok?"  
  
Dawn gave him a sympathetic smile, "I'm fine, just a little sore."   
  
Anya bushed passed her fiance and sat down next to Dawn, putting her feet on the table she focussed on the tv. "I know how you feel. My shoulder was dislocated because of you." She said as bluntly as usual.  
  
They all stared at her for a moment before moving on.   
  
"Where's Willow? Is she ok?" Xander questioned.   
  
Buffy stood up and took him through to the kitchen. "She's up in her room, asleep I think. Tara is with her." The slayer answered.  
  
Xander's face wrinkled in confusion. "Tara?"   
  
Buffy nodded unable to stop a grin flashing on her face.   
  
"Not that I'm not happy, Buff, but huh?!"   
  
"Last night I'd just finished talking to Willow and taking a time out, when Tara shows up at the doo and she was scary. I mean really intimidating, demanding to know where Willow was. Turns out they've got some connection mojo. Tara can feel what Willow does."  
  
"So there back together?"   
  
Buffy began to pace, "I don't know. I mean we know how much Willow loves her but she's terrified Tara doesn't love her anymore. I had a talk with Tara as well. I was worried, she was being supporto gal for Willow and Dawn but she's pretty hurt. She loves Willow but doesn't know if she'd be doing the right thing getting back together..."  
  
"But they will." Xander finished.  
  
Buffy nodded, "I think so. I hope so. They need each other, especially now. Willow is going through a lot right now, physically and mentally. Don't panic when you see her." Buffy warned.  
  
Xander's heart stopped, "What do you mean?"   
  
Buffy through her hands up and let them drop. "She looks like hell, feels like it. She's going through withdrawl, Xander, it's not easy."  
  
Xander sighed and ran his hand over his head. "god, how did we let this happen? Why didn't I see this coming? You know why this happened? Cause we've been ignoring each other, not dealing with things. From now on, we kno everything, just like before, except for when we're hiding things like Angel or Cordelia or being gay. But no more, we will live in each others pockets if thats what it takes!"  
  
Buffy put her hands on his shoulders, "Whoa there. This might not be down to our friend status lately, whch has been lacking somewhat, so maybe it is and now your making me do it." She said giving him panic eyes.  
  
Xander paced opposite Buffy, "Ok, we need to calm down. Breath. Calm. Collected." He said as they gradually stopped pacing.   
  
"You cool?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Ok... what do we do now?"  
  
"...Pace?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
***********  
  
Willow was suddenly aware of her surroundings again.   
  
She felt like death had used her as a practise toy. She kept still, scared of what pain moving might cause, but there wasn't pain. Well, there was but there was warmth and comfort.   
  
She recognised the touch, the gentle patterns being traced on the small of her back.  
  
It meant one thing... Tara.  
  
"Are you awake?" Tara's gentle voice broke her thoughts.   
  
She cautiously opened one eye, scared that it would all be a dream.   
  
"I'll take that as a yes." she said with that awkward humour in her voice.   
  
She had waited nearly an hour for Willow to wake up and when she felt the red heads breathing change, half of her wanted Willow awake, the other half was terrified and hoped she'd keep sleeping.  
  
Willow found herself lost in Tara's deep blue eyes then paranoia struck her. She weakly moved out of Tara's arms altough it practically brought tears to her eyes. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking... Or capable, so I wouldn't have latched on otherwise. "She apologized.  
  
"N-no, you didn't... I..." Tara gave up on verbal communication and pulled a stunned Willow into her arms again.  
  
"Tara?" Willow asked with tears in her voice.   
  
Tara knew her voice wasn't going to cooperate so she leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her soul mates lips.   
  
Both knew it spoke more than words ever could.   
  
Willow felt the gaping hole in her soul fill again, with Tara.  
  
The blonde felt comfortable and complete, Willow made her feel.  
  
They both understood the long, slow and hard road ahead of them but then they were together, and together they could face whatever lay ahead. 


End file.
